finding comfort

Today we received the news that my Uncle Steven passed away.  Sad.  Tragic.  Still in shock.  This is my Dad's second to youngest brother.  I haven't seen him in a few years and he's definitely the Uncle that I've seen the least throughout my life, but I loved him nonetheless for it.  I have so many fond memories of him.  He was so funny.  Always the life of the party and making everyone laugh.  He loved little kids.  I remember he was always hanging out with the grand kids and spending time with us while he still lived at home.  I remember his little bedroom in the "office" under the stairs.  I remember his pictures with Senator Orrin Hatch hanging proudly in my grandparents home.  I remember that he loved his evil cat that hated everyone but him and my Grandma.  I remember how much my Grandma loved him.  Everyone knew that Steven was her "favorite."  My Grandma, like all Mothers do, had such a tender spot in her heart for this boy who gave her a heck of a time.  He never did things the easy way and definitely was the cause of many sleepless nights for my Grandparents, but oh how they loved him! 

STEVEN

This is my Dad (the Tall, Handsome one in the middle) and his siblings. Isn't this the best picture ever?  Love.  Love.  Love this.  I know that these siblings and, especially my Grandpa, are suffering deeply right now. They have already had to bury their Brother Ronald (the one with the sweet mustache) and their Mother.  I don't have any words of comfort.  I've never lost a brother.  Maybe their Mother can send some comforting words their way.

RONALD, KEVIN (MY DAD), SCOTT, KAREN, ANN MARIE, NEAL, STEVEN & CRAIG

I  was given the most precious treasure for my 8th Birthday from my Grandma.  I think she actually finished it when I was about 10, but since her passing it has become one of the greatest treasures in my life.  Lately, my boys and I have been reading this book at bedtime.  They absolutely love to hear the stories she's written about their Grandpa (my Dad and her son) and Me.  In trying to find some comfort today, I turned to this special book.

Here is an excerpt from her book.  I thought you'd all love to see her beautiful handwriting!

I know that her "Plans for the Future" have been carried on, not in this life, but the next.  I know that she has obviously been working hard on the other side.  I'm sure my Uncle Steven was so anxious to be in the "place of security and refuge from the storms of life" with his Mother.  I feel her presence so strong with me today.  I feel her giving me comfort and saying, "let everyone know it's okay.  I'm working hard on our eternal home here in heaven."  I know my Dad, his siblings and parents will be reunited together again someday. 

you belong

As most Mothers do, I have an innate desire to instill in my children how important they are to our family.  When we found out we were having our fourth boy we received lots of disappointed sighs.  Lots of well intended people felt sorry for us.  We never felt sorry for ourselves.  Honestly, not even for one second was I disappointed.  I always felt like Crew belonged.  I hope he will never feel like just "another" boy in our family.  I hope he will always understand that he belongs with us and we wouldn't have it any other way!

crew's first birthday

Where did the past year go?  How is my baby already one?  It seems like just yesterday he was born.  I'm not going to use any of those ridiculous cliches about how my baby has grown up so fast, but seriously?!?!!  Today we celebrated this sweet baby's birthday and all I felt was love, gratitude and happiness (plus a little exhaustion from staying up way too late the night before).  So much nostalgia, so much reflection and so much fun with family!

No, I didn't make a mistake with the candles.  We also celebrated my nephew Corbin's birthday tonight too.

Yes, I take pictures of the paper products.  They make me happy!

Crew had a fun night, I think.  He enjoyed his new toys and had lots and lots and lots of little hands helping unwrap.  Our home was filled with craziness in honor of Crew's big day.  We were left with a mess and lots of cleaning up, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  I love the noise.  I love the people.  I love looking at these pictures of our home overflowing with people we love.

Yes, I'm feeling extremely nostalgic and grateful.  I love family.  I love my family.  I love our friends who have become family.  We have such an awesome support system.  While family is usually chaotic and sometimes difficult to deal with, they truly are the greatest joy in our lives.  I love that they are also the greatest joy in my children's lives as well.  

Crew took some time playing around with the frosting on his cake.  He seemed to think it was a toy and not a food.  Until I started feeding him and then he couldn't get enough.  He shoveled the cake in his mouth and all over himself until he was full.  Then he threw my ceramic plate on the floor.  It only chipped a little, which secretly made me smile.  Yes, a piece of history in the making.  I pictured myself going to use the plate in a year or so and remembering the origin of the chip.  Instead of being mad I would be so happy and continue to use my plate with pride!  Seriously, what is wrong with me?  I'm an emotional wreck.  What will I do when this boy goes to preschool, elementary or even worse leaves the house?  Every day this child is a reminder of the amazing chapter in my life that will be closing before I know it.  I love that he (along with his brothers) are helping me enjoy this crazy journey.  I hope he forgives me later on for indulging myself at every single milestone he has.  Poor kid, Happy Birthday Crew!  

one year

What a difference one year can make.  

On August 11, 2011 I was enduring one of the longest, scariest nights of my life.  Anticipating the birth of my pre-term baby kept me tossing and turning in the hospital all night long; not to mention, the painful contractions were intense.  The last news we had received from the doctor before telling us he would be back in the morning, was that they were not sure what to do next.  They were considering keeping me in the hospital for a couple weeks until they were sure this baby was ready to come.  The thought made me sick, but the welfare of my baby was most important.  The feelings and emotions were terrifying.

2011

On August 11, 2012 I sat in my family room piecing together a photo banner from the last 12 months of my baby's life.  Reflecting, I tried to stir up the emotions from just one year ago.  They felt so real and so strong, but were over powered this time by immense gratitude.  Gratitude for a loving Heavenly Father who allowed our baby to come to our family healthy and without incident.  Gratitude for four incredible babies who fill my life with purpose and joy.  Gratitude for a husband who loves and supports our family so well.  Gratitude for health, strength and happiness. 

2012

I know that life is constantly changing.  I see how drastically (for the better) our home has changed in a year.  I continually thank my Heavenly Father for my many blessings because I know that life is not always perfect.  I know that we are asked to face certain trials and discomforts.  I know that pregnancy and bringing babies here is definitely a trial in my life.  I also know that enduring these trials does bring happiness.  Our family is a testament to that happiness.

Happy Birthday Eve Baby Crew!